"The Story of Zonks" transcript"
Scene 1: The PS 118 School playground 118 School Bell Ringing PS 118 Students Cheering Arnold: “It’s a game day, Torvald, prepare to meet your doom!” Torvald: “Don’t make me laugh, Arnold, we creamed you guys last year, we’ll do it again this year.” Gerald: “Oh, man I’m shakin’ it real good.” Helga: "Spare us, Torvald, we saw you 6th graders practice." Arnold: “Yeah right, you guys zonk.” Torvald: “What was that, Arnold?” Arnold: “You heard me, Torvald, you guys zonk!” Torvald: “That does it, Arnold, it’s go time!” Helga: “Hey, chill out, Torvald, ‘zonk’ is just Arnold’s word, it doesn’t mean anything.” Torvald: “What the heck are you speaking about?” Sid: “You don’t know? Arnold’s the dude who would never get in trouble for cursing.” Phoebe: “Because of the verb to zonk.” Harold: “It all began back in 4th grade.” Flashback to Arnold and Gerald as 4th grade students…….. 4th Grade Arnold: “I’m sorry I got you sent to the wall, Gerald, every single student knows you’re not supposed to curse in school.” 4th Grade Gerald: “Hey, I could’ve repeated it, it’s just goof head, that’s a classic.” 4th Grade Arnold: “Do you know what we need, Gerald? we need a word that will never get us in very big trouble, a word that doesn’t mean anything, that way, when we stub our fingers playing hand ball or spill out root beer in our laps.” 4th Grade Gerald: “Or we could shout without aiming out in front of the wall, awesome, but what’s the word?” 4th Grade Arnold: “It’s gotta be something short, nice and meaningless, how ‘bout ‘sprocket’?” 4th Grade Gerald: “I think that’s a part of a tractor.” 4th Grade Arnold: “‘Fudge cakes’?” 4th Grade Gerald: “That’s some sort of dessert treat.” 4th Grade Arnold: “‘Snot’?” 4th Grade Gerald: “Too disgusting.” 4th Grade Arnold: “Ah, man, this making up stuff zonks.” 4th Grade Gerald: “‘Zonks’, that’s it!” Principal Wartz: Off Screen “No giving stand backs at the wall!” End of flashback……… Torvald: “So, Arnold, you mean, ‘zonks’ doesn’t mean anything?” Arnold: “You got it, Torvald.” Torvald: “Alright, awesome.” 118 School Bell Ringing Again Torvald: “Ah, man, we got so wound up in Arnold’s story, we missed an entire hour of recess.” Arnold: “This zonks.” Principal Wartz grabs Arnold’s right shoulder with his right hand. Gasps In Shock Principal Wartz: “What did you say, Arnold?!?” Arnold: “I just said this zonks.” Principal Wartz: “That does it, Mr. Foul mouth, it’s my office for you, now march!” Arnold: “But, but, Principal Wartz, you don’t understand.” Principal Wartz takes Arnold to his office. Eugene: “You guys, we gotta do something about it, foul language is an automatic level for detention.” Phoebe: “Oh come on, Eugene, how can they possibly punish Arnold for saying a word that he invented?” Meanwhile in Principal Wartz’s office……… Principal Wartz: “Now, Arnold, this is a very serious situation, a very serious situation indeed, we can’t allow foul language in school.” Arnold: “I know, Principal Wartz, but I……..” Principal Wartz: “You see, Arnold, foul language undermines authority, it’s part of disrespect and laziness.” Arnold: “But, Principal Wartz, all I said was………” Principal Wartz: “I know what you said, Arnold, I can’t keep up with you students and your foul mouth slang, but somebody assures me that it’s filthy, I got no choice but to give you detention level 8.” Arnold: “Level 8? man, this zonks.” Principal Wartz: “Make that level 9, are you ready to push me any further, Arnold?” Meanwhile back outside the PS 118 School courtyard……. Gerald: “8:32? man, how long are they gonna keep him in there?” Arnold and Principal Wartz walk around outside. Principal Wartz: “I hope you learned your lesson, Arnold, please note this, I alerted the entire school district, from now on, your little word is now forbidden.” Principal Wartz closes the doors. Rhonda: “Were they harsh on you in there, Arnold?” Phoebe: “Did they let you do your homework?” Harold: “Or use the men’s restroom?” Arnold: “Sure, you guys, but a trip to the men’s restroom came by back from what they took from me.” Lila: “Well, Arnold, what did they take?” Arnold: “They took my word, they made it into something ugly and unclean, well, 2 can play that game, or a lot of them.” Sheena: “What do you mean, Arnold?” Arnold: “You guys, I got a plan.” Meanwhile at the kick ball field……… Coach Wittenberg: “Alright, boys and girls, here is the most fun part, let’s name our kick ball teams.” Wolfgang: “Well, alright, Coach Wittenberg, we’re gonna be the Wild Cheetahs.” Coach Wittenberg: “Very clever, Wolfgang.” Coach Wittenberg: “How ‘bout you, Gerald?” Gerald: “Watch out, Wild Cheetahs, we’re the Zonkers.” PS 118 Students Cheering In Unison Coach Wittenberg: Whistle Loudly “Gerald, that word is off limits, you know that, Principal Wartz’s office, pronto!” Arnold: “It’s just begun.” Meanwhile in the PS 118 School lunchroom Sid: “Hi there, Lunch Lady Gladys, I would like the chicken teriyaki, please and a big zonking helping of mashed potatoes with gravy.” Principal Wartz grabs Sid’s right shoulder with his right hand. Meanwhile in Mr. Simmons’ 5th grade classroom……… Clang! Helga: “Yow, I zonked my finger in my desk!” Mr. Simmons: “Helga, oh dear, now I gotta send you to Principal Wartz’s office.” Meanwhile outside on the PS 118 School courtyard…………… Peapod Kid: “Yahoo, I’m suited for 300 zonks, a world’s zonk record!” Whistle Blowing Sounds Meanwhile with Gloria, Connie and Maria……… Gloria: “This outfit is totally………..” Connie + Maria: “Zonk.” Loud Whistle Blowing Sounds Meanwhile back in Principal Wartz’s office……. Principal Wartz: “You and your class hamster zonky, you students should be ashamed of yourselves.” Principal Wartz: “Yikes, Bertha, please tell me that those students are here to present me with the world’s greatest principal plaque.” Ms. Jacobson: “No, just some students saying the z word.” Principal Wartz: “I can’t stand it anymore, I haven’t got a minute of peace and silence for days, alright, that’s it, outta my office, sign your names on the sheet by the door and get outta here.” Principal Wartz: “Who the heck is Zonky Zonkerson?” I just……oh, forget about it!” Principal Wartz exits his office. Principal Wartz: “That does it, desperate times call for desperate measures.” Principal Wartz picks on his blue wireless telephone. Mr. Lawson’s voice on Blue Wireless Telephone: “More advanced special services……..” Principal Wartz: (on blue wireless telephone) “Hello, Principal Wartz here from PS 118……” Mr. Lawson’s voice on Blue Wireless Telephone: “Yeah, what is it?” Principal Wartz: (on blue wireless telephone) “I got a situation about 1 of my foul apples that just spoiled an entire bunch if you happen to know what I mean, you gotta help me.” Mr. Lawson’s voice on Blue Wireless Telephone: “Oh yeah, that’s right.” Mr. Lawson’s voice on Blue Wireless Telephone: “Alright, we’re coming over right away.” Principal Wartz: (on blue wireless telephone) “You guys are coming over right away? you mean you guys are the cleaners?” Mr. Lawson’s voice on Blue Wireless Telephone: “That’s right, if anybody can solve your problem, it’s me, and, Principal Wartz, don’t use this telephone line again.” Principal Wartz hangs up on the blue wireless telephone. Principal Wartz: “Let’s go see those little zonkers laugh right now.” Meanwhile on the PS 118 School softball field………….. Blue Striped Helicopter Whirring Eugene: “Hey, you guys, look a helicopter!” Rhonda: “Painted red with a blue stripe around it.” All Army Agents: “Hut 2, 3, 4, hut 2, 3, 4, hut 2, 3, 4!” Whooshing Mr. Lawson steps outta his limousine. Principal Wartz: “Thank goodness you’re here, Gary, now about this foul language situation, I was just thinking we could institute a quarter for use law.” Mr. Lawson: “Show me to your office, Principal Wartz, I would like some chamomile honey tea and some chocolate frosting sugar cookies on a China plate.” Principal Wartz: “But it’s not tea time, Gary, it’s an emergency, it’s time for action!” Mr. Lawson: “1st chamomile honey tea, then action.” Principal Wartz and Mr. Lawson go back to Principal Wartz’s office inside the PS 118 School building. Helga: “Crimeny, who the heck was that guy?” Principal Wartz: Off Screen “Arnold!” Principal Wartz: “Somebody wants to see you in my office right now.” Scene 2: Back in Principal Wartz’s office again Arnold: “So that’s the entire story, Mr. Lawson, I just made that word up, it doesn’t mean anything at all.” Mr. Lawson: “I understand completely, Arnold, you seem like an assigned well-meaning young man, you don’t gotta worry about it anymore.” Arnold: “Thanks a lot, Mr. Lawson.” Arnold walks around outta Principal Wartz’s office. Mr. Lawson: “Principal Wartz, this z word is a terrible cancer, it must be removed.” Principal Wartz: “Removed? is that really serious?” Mr. Lawson: “Serious? you heard the word ‘zonk’.” Principal Wartz: “Yes, Gary?” Mr. Lawson: “Well, ‘zonk’ began as a replacement for a certain foul word, but it spreads like wildfire through the playground and the gym room, today’s no longer outstanding for a foul word, but a full grown foul word that’s not right.” Principal Wartz: “I had no idea about it.” Mr. Lawson: “I let that 1 get away from me, Principal Wartz, but I’m not gonna allow that to happen again, the ‘zonk’ thing ends right now.” Principal Wartz: “Well how exactly do we do that, Gary?” Mr. Lawson: “By making an example of the football headed boy who sparked the fire.” Principal Wartz: “An example? oh, good idea, good idea, but how can we do it, Gary?” Mr. Lawson: “It’s already in the works, Principal Wartz.” Meanwhile back outside the PS 118 School building…….. Arnold: “Kids of the school playground, I spoke to Mr. Lawson, he assured me this entire thing was a misunderstanding.” PS 118 Students Cheering Wildly Arnold: “From this day on, no other kid will ever get in trouble for saying the word ‘zonks’.” Blue Striped Helicopter Whirring Again Police Guard in Helicopter: “Arnold Shortman, freeze, to others, step away from the football headed kid!” Police Guard # 1: “Football headed kid, you’re coming with us.” Scene 3: The Courtroom All PS 118 students: Chanting “Arnold, Arnold, Arnold, Arnold, Arnold, Arnold…….” Judge Gibson: “It was then that Mr. Shortman uttered a word so bad that I can’t bring myself to, offered in those house calls.” Mr. Lawson: “A word so dangerous, ladies and gentlemen, but if left unchecked, if you think could win its way into our children’s minds, eventually causing society to crumble and civilization just as we know to come to an end.” Principal Wartz: “I like those guys.” Mr. Lawson: “Judge Gibson, your decision is now clear, make an example of this miscreant, I would expel him with extreme prejudice, that way, no other kid would ever use this word again!” Mr. Lawson: “The entire courtroom rests before your very eyes.” City Citizens And Kids Protesting Gibson Bangs Gavel On Podium Judge Gibson: “Thanks, Mr. Lawson, eloquent, powerful and not just a little bit frightening.” Judge Gibson: “Arnold Philip Shortman, face for the evidence, I got no other choice but to sentence you to……..” Mr. Simmons: Off Screen “Wait!” Mr. Simmons: “Judge Gibson, I got a witness, my old college professor, Dr. James Jacobson, official slangologist.” Judge Gibson: “Slang-o….what?” Mr. Simmons: “Slangologist, Judge Gibson, Dr. Jacobson is an expert on American slang and he’s agreed to speak on Arnold’s behalf.” Dr. Jacobson: “Word up, Robert, I’m here to layered out street for the can.” PS 118 Students Protesting Judge Gibson: “Very well, Dr. Jacobson, uh, proceed.” Dr. Jacobson walks around over to Arnold. Dr. Jacobson: “Why sure, Judge Gibson, let to me to the bargain, so good.” Phoebe: “What did he say, Helga?” Helga: “He said ‘Got me’, Phoebe.” Dr. Jacobson: “Note this, Judge Gibson, Arnold was just a smart football headed kid, a real word inventor, you can’t punish him for any word he just invented, the big z isn’t a word which is the crud, this doesn’t hold any air or oxygen.” Mr. Lawson: “Judge Gibson, this man discussed me to the core, I command his testimony to be speaking for the record and he would be even forced to be moved from the courtroom!” Dr. Jacobson: “No, Mr. Lawson, this guy’s beginning to assist me!” Mr. Lawson: “I bet this man is even an expert, I question his credential!” Dr. Jacobson: “How dare you question my credential, Mr. Lawson, I have spent 12 years studying at the world’s greatest university just to be slandered by the likes of some civil savage!” Mr. Lawson: “Civil savage?!? why, you crazy joker!” Dr. Jacobson: “Cocktail breath!” Mr. Lawson: “Loud mouth!” Dr. Jacobson: “Braniac!” Lawson + Dr. Jacobson Growling In Unison Arnold: Off Screen “Stop!” Mr. Lawson and Dr. Jacobson stop arguing. Arnold: “Judge Gibson, can I please speak for myself?” Judge Gibson: “Well, Arnold, it’s quite unusual in those hearings, but so is everything else here today, go ahead, Arnold.” Arnold: “Judge Gibson, I know Dr. Jacobson’s trying to help me, but the stuff he’s saying the way he speaks, it’s from another time, I also get what Mr. Lawson’s trying to say, new words just frighten him, that’s all, but the thing is, Judge Gibson, making up words and stuff is part of what being a kid’s all about, we like to make up names for everything, we’re not looking for trouble, the fact is I invented that word to stay outta trouble and now just ‘cause some of those foul words sound foul, I gotta stay in here today and defend myself, I don’t mean to be rude, Judge Gibson, but if you ask me, this entire thing zonks.” Mr. Lawson: “Young man, how dare you say that word.” Mr. Lawson: “Judge Gibson, I tried to keep that foul word outta the courtroom, but just as you can see this football headed kid’s got no regard but to…….” Judge Gibson: “Whoa, whoa, wait 1 single minute!” Judge Gibson: “Mr. Lawson, what foul word are we speaking about here?” Mr. Lawson: “Well, the word is ‘zonks’, Judge Gibson.” Judge Gibson: “Zonks? Mr. Lawson, are you telling me this entire preceding as though of the word ‘zonks’?” Mr. Lawson: “Ah, yes, Judge Gibson, that’s correct.” Gibson Laughs Uncontrollably Mr. Lawson: “Judge Gibson, I wanna know what’s hilarious.” Judge Gibson: “The word, that’s what’s hilarious, Mr. Lawson, ‘zonks’, it’s a hilarious word!” Mr. Lawson: “No it’s not, Judge Gibson, it’s shameful, filth, it’s meaning use clearly unsafe!” Judge Gibson: “Doesn’t mean anything unsafe to me, how ‘bout you, Robert? does ‘zonks’ mean anything unsafe to you?” Mr. Simmons: “Me? no, Judge Gibson, I think it’s just a clever and creative way to say ‘how unpleasant’.” Judge Gibson: “And you, Phil?” Grandpa Phil: “Well, to me it means something’s repellent or offensive, that or bodacious.” Judge Gibson: “And you, Suzy.” Mrs. Kokoshka: “I think it’s adorable.” Mr. Kokoshka: “It sounds kind of fancy.” Mr. Potts: “It sounds like a type of animal to me.” Judge Gibson: “And I think it’s hilarious, anybody who hears foul meaning in this ‘zonks’ word probably got a foul mind to begin with, the entire courtroom has no control over what goes on inside other people’s minds, hard as we try, I therefor find Arnold Philip Shortman, not guilty.” Gibson Bangs Gavel On Podium Again PS 118 Students Cheering Wildly Judge Gibson: “That means you’re expected to be in school tomorrow morning, Arnold.” Helga: “It’s sort of an entire victory, right, Football Head.” Principal Wartz: “This zonks.” Fade to a black screen………….. Category:Season 6 Transcripts